Walken plays: Doc - geriatric hit man, schmaltzy painter, walking pharmacy
Synopsis: Stand Up Guys is one of those despicably lazy, fill-in-the-blanks 'criminals with heart' capers that caters to the lowest common denominator so aggressively that you can't help but loathe it. Imagine any given cliché that could populate this tale of two aging hit men (Al Pacino & Christopher Walken) out for one last night on the town, and I guarantee it's there: hackneyed Viagra gags, inability to understand modern technology, leery sexual pursuits, reminiscing for 'the good ol' days', estranged family members, a botched confession, and, of course, a muted final blowout with ludicrously named uber-mobster Claphands (Mark Margolis) to show all the whippersnappers who's still got it. It's billed as a three-man show, but ol' buddy getaway driver Alan Arkin is only in the film for about 20 minutes, and may as well have been replaced by a cardboard cutout. Instead, director Fisher Stevens slots in countless exchanges where young, attractive women fawn over the aging leads to such an extent it's not even pervy, it's just kind of pathetic. The worst of the bunch is a lusty club scene with human cigarette Pacino, who has his creepy come-ons be reciprocated by a tender slow dance. Gross.
It's self-evident that Walken is the highlight here, but he looks so sleepy and vaguely embarrassed throughout that him occupying such a coveted leading role isn't even very enjoyable. He certainly nails the beaten down slump of a man living with the weight of a lifetime of regret through simple, fastidious daily rituals, and he offers a relaxed, affable chemistry playing off Pacino, but the film's asinine script doesn't befit the subtlety he's infused Doc with, sidelining him to the background more than befits the only person vaguely trying in the film. If nothing else, the film industry should have learned better than to keep making the vocally firearm-phobic Walken brandish guns - especially in his older age, he looks like he'd rather drop them like a dirty diaper than shoot anyone with them. He may look badass in the final shootout, but it's kind of adorable how unconvincingly violent he is.
Wacky Walken dialogue: Most other screenplays that subject Walken to this kind of embarrassment would at least have the decency to give him some juicy, eccentric lines to spout out, but decent is a foregone concept with Stand Up Guys. A couple of his old-man bumbles verge on endearing: when both Pacino AND Arkin are subsequently dumbfounded by the keyless ignition of the car they're stealing - yes, the film recycles the same non-gag twice - Walken merely shrugs, mumbling "It's computers..." Otherwise, the closest is their badass-cum-dumbass pump-up cry: Pacino crows "It's time to kick ass, or chew gum. And guess what?" Walken retorts: "I'm all out of gum". The dialogue is still awful, but it's kind of fun hearing Walken say the word "gum". I don't know. I'm stretching here...
DOES HE DANCE: He punctuates a couple of moments with some of his little back-and-forth shuffles, but that's about it. Honestly, any movie that makes me watch Al Pacino dance while Walken lurks uncomfortably at the sidelines has sealed its fate.
Overall Walken-o-meter: 3/10 cowbells. Walken failing to read the room, zone out and take the paycheque means that he's impressively invested in the scraps of emotional nuance he's allowed, but there's that's about all there is that's close to worthwhile in this tone-deaf waste of everyone's time. It might've been more fun if Walken and Pacino had played against type and traded roles, allowing Walken the campy, cocky bluster and Pacino the reserved regret, but god forbid this film exert any effort. Honestly, the hardest acting Walken and Pacino are tasked with is saying the name 'Claphands' with a straight face. Embarassing.
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| Candid reaction shots of the stars leaving the premiere of Stand Up Guys |
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