Walken plays: Bobby McBain - welder, Vietnam vet, and unexpected action star
"Who dares disturb my welding?!"
Synopsis:
To the lament of Simpsons fans everywhere, this is not, in fact, a live-action adaptation of their exquisite Schwarzenegger parody (more's the pity), with Walken spewing deliciously awful puns as he litters the landscape with bodies. What we get with McBain is a movie that’s easily just as silly, though less willing to make peace with it, as Walken and his war buddies stage a military coup against a corrupt Colombian regime in honour of a murdered friend. It’s probably one of the better B-movie Rambo knock-offs lumbering around the $0.99 DVD bin, if only because it’s so earnest about its serious political aspirations in its tale of jingoistic, macho, white saviour interventionism it’s kind of adorable. The action sequences are actually pretty decent, with explosions, tanks, and plane chases aplenty, even managing not to look as cheap and shoddy as the rest of the film.
Walken (in a rare leading role!) doesn’t even get to play outrageously campy action star here; instead he’s a sun hat and sunglasses-wearing Hannibal Smith type, leading his A-Team of buds with quiet authority as they blow up most of the countryside. Because he's stuck playing the quiet, calm leader type throughout in a part that would normally call for muscle-bulging bravado, Walken doesn't even get to do much killing, apart from a rather excellent bit where he explodes through the ceiling to assassinate the corrupt, drug baron MENDOZAAAAA-err, 'El Presidente'.
At one point, he also stops to take a 'Revolution Selfie' of him and his buds with a camcorder, which is rather exceptional.
Wacky Walken dialogue: For the most part, Chris plays it too straight and sleepy (he's still solid, but pretty unmistakably bored throughout) to really uncork the weirdness. He does get one patented monologue, where he equates the repressive Colombian regime murdering dissenters and getting children addicted to cocaine to his time at Woodstock, which is in such hilariously poor taste it's genuinely spectacular.
DOES HE DANCE:
NO. And it's such a shame, as there's at least one bit, where Walken and his mini-A-Team are closing in on Luis Guzmán's indignant drug dealer to steal from him to fund their Colombian coup (don't ask...), where hip hop music is blaring, and Walken, slinking towards the door, looks ready to bust a move, but resists the temptation. Such a pity.
Overall Walken-o-meter: 5/10 cowbells. It's a fun one for fans, but takes itself far too seriously, and is a criminally missed opportunity for Walken, who credibly but disappointingly plays far too straight, to sink his teeth into some glorious, over-the-top action camp. Still worth a watch for those with low expectations. Enjoy, and "Let's Get Silly"!
"I will be your white saviour, Colombia. But I'll be damned if I have fun doing it."
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